Hahahaha! My new resume!

NOTE: Formatting was lost in copy/paste. Each page contained, at one point, a header with my address, phone number, etc. on it.

Desperately Unemployed™ Productions presents ROBERT SCHRADER in:

THE PARADOX:
or The Difficulty Faced by an Experienced Server Seeking a Serving Job


OBJECTIVE:
To continue my (makeshift) career as a server and pay off my credits card, which is proving to be much more difficult than any task I've undertaken in 16 years as an overachieving student, in spite of all my experience.

EXPERIENCE and EDUCATION:
I began serving at Bob Evan's Restaurant in Kirkwood, MO (which is sadly now closed) since a few days after I turned 16 in February of 2001, while attending school at Rockwood Summit High School in Fenton, MO. I worked there almost continuously until April of 2003, minus the period between March and July of 2002, when I took a job serving at Steak 'n' Shake in Fenton, MO, which only lasted as long as it did because of the demanding hours--I was coerced into working the overnight shift. I left Bob Evan's in April of 2003 because I was 18; i.e. I was ready to transcend diners and move on to restaurants that server alcohol and where I could actually make money.

Twenty five restaurants later, I settled for a cashier position at the Home Depot 25 miles from my home, in Ellisville, MO, an employer with which I remained across two positions (cashier as stated before, and Paint Desk) and locations (also in Tampa, FL, where I began college [at the University of Tampa as a Pre-Vet/Chemistry major] in August 2003 after graduating high school that May ) until October of 2004, when I had enough of making $8.40 an hour and wanted to make money.

It was at this point that I began the three-week, four-interview hiring process at Bahama Breeze, where I faced the battle of becoming the first individual hired in the company that was under 21 years of age, which switching my major to Writing at school. I won that battle and ended up working there until April of 2005, learning much about the way REAL servers do their thing and alcohol and all that good stuff, leaving ultimately because I had to return home to St. Louis for the summer--a fact BB's management was well aware of, but couldn't stomach. It was either "continue working [here] during the summer or don't." So I didn't.

I traveled during the month of June and at the beginning of July was hired on at California Pizza Kitchen at West County Mall in St. Louis, MO. After two weeks of waiting for a training class to start and a week of training, I was working, but only for four weeks; I had to get back to Tampa. I probably had the option of transferring at some point, but I declined it; the money wasn't really that good, and I figured I'd easily be able to find SOMETHING rather quickly in Tampa. The following paragraphs illustrate just how wrong I was.

Below is a (partial) list of restaurants where I have inquired about employment (i.e. applied or called to see if they were hiring) over the course of the time that has passed since returning to Tampa on August 22:

J. Alexander's
Fred Flemings
P.F. Chang's
Magianno's
The Cheesecake Factory
Dish
Samurai Blue
Macaroni Grill
Tia's
Longhorn Steakhouse
Outback Steakhouse
Chili's
Roy's
Sam Seltzer's
Ruth's Chris Steakhouse
Charley's
Miguel's
The Capital Grille
Gallery Eclectic Bistro
Bamboo Club
The Blue Martini
Bar Louie
Kahunaville
Café du Frain
Bennigan's
Banana Joe's
Bonefish Grill
The Melting Pot
The Palm Steakhouse

Where to start? J. Alexander's gave me one interview (on a Monday) during which they told me they'd call me back that same day to schedule an interview. Did they? No. A return call on Wednesday got me "[the manager] who interviewed [you] will be in on Friday"; a call Friday got the same run around. Cheesecake Factory gave me an hour long interview, and they claim they are making phone calls next week, so we'll see about that. Samurai Blue has had an ad in the paper for two weeks soliciting applications. I finally turned one in on Monday. They said they'd call me "in the next couple of days" for an interview. It's been a couple days, Blue.

Macaroni Grill is the one that enrages me most. During the middle of September, I sat down with the general manager and interviewed. He told me that no positions were currently open, but that he liked what he saw, and to come back in a couple weeks and speak to him again. I returned two Mondays later. The GM (Tom) was not there; I instead spoke with the back-of-house manager, Jim, who told me to call back around three, thirty minutes from then, during which I turned in applications at both the Capital Grille and Bonefish, neither of which ever called me back. Anyway, I called back and got a friendly server manager (Brian) who confirmed that they were indeed looking to bring on one to two more servers that next week, but that he hadn't worked with the GM in a while and thus had no idea who I was; he INSISTED that he wasn't giving me the run-around. Fair enough. He told me to call back on Wednesday after 2. I called at around 2:15 to avoid seeming desperate--although I am--and he told me at that point that the GM was stuck in traffic and to call back around 3:30. I called at 3:35 and was told by the hostess to call back in 15 minutes ("he's busy"). I called back, and was asked to give my number; she said "he'll call you back."

As of 4:35 that Wednesday, I still had no call back.

The one positive thing I could say is that the remainder of the restaurants I'd listed weren't actively hiring when I turned in my applications, so it's not like I was (specifically) turned down, which doesn't make it any less disheartening to call a place, for example, Magianno's, and they inform you they are NOT hiring and then hear three days later that a friend of a friend was just hired as a server there, which further reinforces that the art of getting a job is in who you know, not what you know or who you are.

REFERENCES:
Just in case you do care “who [I am]”, however, I’ve got it covered:

The person in the world with whom I’ve worked (at Steak ‘n’ Shake) that knows me best is Stephanie Ward (xxxxxxxxxx). We’ve known each other for 8 years, since the end of my seventh grade year. My former Home Depot supervisor Pamela Duncan (xxxxxxxxxx) and I have been acquainted for 2 and a half years, since I began there. She should be a good judge of my character. Finally, Jennifer Jordan (xxxxxxxxxx) from Bahama Breeze, who I’ve now known close to 1 year, would paint the best portrait of my performance there.

BOTTOM LINE:
I fashioned my résumé as it appears because it’s genuine—I can’t find a job for my life and it has NOTHING to do with me! I could paint an idealistic, light-hearted of my experiences in both job-having and job-hunting, but beyond knowing the right people, I’ve found the best chance one has of obtaining any given job is differentiating him or herself from the rest of his or her competition. Have you ever read a résumé like this? Didn’t think so. When should I report?